Just Breathe…

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Eating Disorders Awareness Week was from February 26th to March 4th. Those very close to me know the importance of both to me- those who know me extremely well know of the battle I won against both.

Before the month is completely over I wanted to share some of my story, not for attention, but because of the importance of sharing, because maybe it can help someone, or show someone that they are not alone.

For those who believe that having an eating disorder is a choice, it’s not. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide to have an eating disorder. At this moment in my life I was suffering internally. I had let people in my life destroy my soul while I screamed silently, completely frozen. I felt that I had lost every possible control of my body, my life. I felt helpless, hopeless, alone, lost.  I was constantly mad, disappointed, scared, and/or sad. I was desperate to find something that I could control. Right when I felt like I had nothing left my eating disorders made me feel like they were there to help me through the pain, to help me cope, to be my friends, but it that was far from my reality.

People had a tough time understanding what was happening to me physically and internally. I would lash out for the smallest things and then just burst into tears, or suddenly I’d be overly happy trying so hard to be the nicest person. When I had a good day my parents felt a glimpse of relief feeling like they finally did something right, when they never did anything wrong. It was all me. My parents are humans, humans make mistakes, we each keep growing as people and learning from one another- there is nothing I have to forgive my parents. My parents are one of my greatest gifts from life, and I have been truly blessed.

At that moment in my life everything turned dark and scary. I couldn’t control my emotions or my thoughts, my mind was driving me crazy and I couldn’t find a way out. I was trapped. I realize now that those that I believed in whispered lies into my ears. Lies about me, lies about my family, lies about everything.  I realize now that I was surrounded by incredible people that I let slip out of my life. I realize that my family was and is as beautiful as they come. I realize now that my family wanted to help me, but simply didn’t know how but kept pouring all their love my way.

It wasn’t about the food or a desire to be thin. This isn’t something I wish on anyone. Eating disorders are not a joke. Joking about them really hurts and poking fun at someone hurts. Don’t say something like “You need to eat an entire pizza, you’re barely visible,” maybe you don’t mean harm, but that stabs. It’s insensitive and diminishing.

It’s disgusting to me how people don’t take this matter seriously. What’s more appalling to me is the constant jokes made about eating disorder saying things like, “Date a girl with an eating disorder, that will be a cheap date.” People have no idea the suffering that others go through. Someone standing right next to you can be going through an eating disorder and be planning to end their life, yes it can lead to suicide, be careful with what you say and how you act.

Eating disorders can affect absolutely anyone regardless of gender, sexuality, race, and/or age. They’re a mental illness with physical affects meaning it’s not tied to your shape or size- you don’t need to be abnormally over or under weight, someone can be in their “right” size and be suffering just as much.

Be mindful but also become informed. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia, but did you know there’s more than just those two eating disorders? Some others include Atypical anorexia nervosa, binge eating disorder, purging disorder, night eating syndrome, etc.

This is an issue that needs more light on it, an issue that needs to be taken a whole lot more seriously. We shouldn’t be hearing jokes about it on TV or reading jokes about it anywhere. You shouldn’t judge anyone for going through an eating disorder, you’re just pushing that person more over the ledge, you’re making them feel more trapped.

Eating disorders aren’t a trend or a phase, and they most certainly aren’t a choice.

It’s not impossible to recover- I promise you. We are stronger than we believe we are and more beautiful than we think we are. You aren’t alone in this. Just breathe.

For more information on eating disorders:

Www. Nationaleatingdisorders.org

For their help line call:

1-800-931-2237

Here’s a link to an article I thought was a good read:

http://www.ditchcarb.com/2017/04/26/20-things-that-everyone-needs-to-know-about-eating-disorders/

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It’s a struggle but not impossible

Today started out great until I went to check my school status- I was no longer registered for one out of my two summer courses and I was put on restrictions. For those who follow me on Twitter, you’ll see that I mentioned that I didn’t do like I would have liked in one of my courses, and well, here’s the consequence for it. Instead of taking a new class this summer, I will be repeating that class- thankfully everything is fresh in my mind and I have tons of notes that I’ll be reviewing starting tomorrow before class starts next week.

I cried, I’m a cryer lol. Not doing well in school is something I’m not really used to. For the longest time I was always an honors student and/or a top student in school, I was always advanced but I took a huge dip.

My life is different now. My life isn’t just about me now. My first priority isn’t school, it’s my family and I’m not going to change that BUT I am going to school to offer my family a good life, one they deserve. So, with that said, I am going to work 100x harder.

It was difficult for me because in class I would think about Gio, at home I’d push all studies aside and do a ton of other things, even during Gio’s naps I didn’t study. I didn’t really pick up a rhythm until it was unfortunately too late. Now I know, and lesson learned.

Erwin always offered me this and that, but I would always say no that I wanted to do this and that instead (such as give Gio dinner and a bath, take him to the park so I can study, etc.). Erwin is amazing. He helps me so much, and I need to take advantage of the help that I have.

It’s not impossible for me to succeed, for a spare moment today I was just so overwhelmed because it just felt like I failed not only myself but my family as well, and that feeling sucks. It felt like so because I’m trying to finish all my courses in a specific time period so I can officially apply to the Diagnostic Medical Sonography (DMS) program on a particular date, and for a moment it looked like I couldn’t and that I’d have to wait longer- but it looks like with extra work and study time I might be able to still do so.

BUT, even if I can’t I already came up with a plan. I still plan to finish all my study plans next spring semester, and if it’s too late to apply to the DMS program THATS OK. I can work during my break time, help my household, focus on Gio, and then apply and kick some serious ass in the program because I know that I can do it. I know that I will be great. There’s no doubt about it in my mind.

I’m really tough on myself, I’ve always been, but I’m working hard on teaching myself that things happen. Everyday is a new learning experience for me, for anyone. I finally have my balance. I finally have a peace of mind. I have the best family and every reason to be happy, so now that I’m well focused I’m only going to push forward, work harder, and show myself that it’s not impossible to be greater and better.

Big boy haircut! 

In case you guys haven’t checked out my social medias, which you should ;), Gio finally got his first real haircut. I mean real as in professional, not by me.

I’m not sure if I’ve shared it on here yet, but I am a licensed Cosmetologist so I guess you could consider me a professional, but I was never so successful cutting Gio’s hair, haha. 

I LOVE the end result of his haircut. My baby looks so handsome, I can’t even 🤦🏻‍♀️ I thought the process of getting the haircut done was going to be difficult but he did so well. He definitely surprised me because he never really liked it when I cut his hair,so of course there were some mistakes in his hair pretty often. So taking him to get a professionally done cut had me nervous since machines would be involved too, not only scissors, but he was good. He was very curious about what was on his head and would want to look so I kept his face in my hand until he realized he had to stay still.

Of course I had my tricks to help him stay still. On my phone I have the Nick Jr. app so that helped distract him throughout the cut. I kept switching up the episodes he was watching to keep him distracted. The lady cutting his hair, Lucy, was also so good and so patient- she even had a drawer with little toys to help distract kids as small, probably even smaller, than Gio.

I’m so proud of how good he did! Hopefully I’ll be taking good pictures soon for you guys 🙂